Familiarity Breeds Contempt

It’s a familiar maxim indeed.

Maybe contempt is too strong a word. Complacency is a good candidate as a substitute. I find this play with words funny and sad: initially complaisant, complacent soon afterwards.

Isn’t that a common tale for people involved in different kinds of relationships? It happens in the office, at school or even at home. It happens between lovers, friends and co-workers.

I came across a letter from a young lady in an advice column. She wanted to solicit ideas on how best to tell her boyfriend that she wanted something else than what they’ve grown accustomed to for a few years now. Every year, she and her boyfriend would spend a week during their summer vacation with his friends. This happened once, twice, and then a few more times before it became sort of a habit. Each time, he didn't bother to ask if she thought this was a good idea or if she felt all right with it. He simply assumed year after year that she was happy with how they spent their vacation together.

The lady felt she wanted and needed a change. For the coming summer, she wanted to tell him that she actually wanted to spend time with him alone instead. The fact that her boyfriend was already starting to make plans with his friends worsened her trepidation. Letting him know about what she felt without offending him was a primary concern.

It would be presumptuous and pompous even, to simply conclude that the problem lies with the lady not being honest and open about what she felt. Perhaps, one could ask, wouldn’t things be easier if she let her partner knew about her take on things since the beginning?

I stand on the opposite side of the fence but my gender has nothing to do with it. My point is simple – being in a relationship makes us responsible in knowing and finding out about our partner’s thoughts, feelings and needs.

It’s true that people cannot read minds (okay, some can!) and that there’d probably be fewer problems and misunderstandings if only people spoke their hearts and minds out most of the time. The thing is, while this might be easy for some people, this is not always, and rarely is the case. The guy totally disregarded his partner’s thoughts, feelings and needs. He is guilty of this whether he was doing it intentionally or not.

It would be improper to declare that the guy’s intentions behind his actions weren’t decent. In fact, they might even be noble. But this doesn’t excuse him from exerting effort to find out if his actions bring about his desired results – making his girlfriend enjoy and feeling valued at the very least, or happy and feeling needed at best. It doesn’t excuse him from at least extending some courtesy by asking her feeling, opinion or permission even if in his mind he knows she will readily agree with what he wants. He should have been sensitive enough to find out what makes his partner happy.

A lot of us are guilty of the same offense or of something equal in nature.

Sometimes we assume too much. We assume our partners will always enjoy doing something because they enjoyed it once. We assume we don’t need to ask permission because we didn’t hear any complaint the first time we didn’t. We assume we truly know someone because we’re able to spend some time with that person.

Sometimes we get too comfortable with each other. We forget that we are talking to our superior. We forget whom we’re dealing with and begin to say jokes that are offensive in nature. We begin to rummage through our partner’s personal belongings without even saying a word. We act as if we owned our partners; we act as if we had the right to run their lives.

Sometimes we expect too much. We expect our partners to always understand because they constantly did in the past. We expect our partners to do some things for us because we did it for them.

Sometimes we just take things for granted.

Familiarity breeds complacency. Too much of it brings about some kind of discourtesy. We should not forget, even the slightest act of failing to extend courtesy is a form of disrespect.